take the money and run.

ok kids, time has come once again to pack my shit up and move along. dont worry, im not done yet, but i do have a brand spanking new home at wordpress. so far, its all kinds of badass, and lets me play how i wanna.

you can find me now here.

update those bookmarks!!

as for you, blogger. i'd like to say that i was all that, but i really can't. you're were pretty dissapointing in the end, but hey, you're still better than diaryland. keep in touch. i wish you well. and i hope you gain 100 lbs.

seacrest out!

hold my tendercrisp cheddar bacon ranch hand.

So the woman that I was chatting up last week came into my store again. This time she brought a new guy with her, and I couldn't tell if it was her father or boyfriend. Scary eh? Either way, she didn't seem interested in continuing the conversation we were having (see: COCKBLOCK!), or even starting a new one with me. So that kind of sucked. And even though i knew i had no chance whatsoever, I still felt dissapointed when she left without notice, opting to treat me like every other woman. (pity party, table for one)

"Men want to be really, really close to someone who will leave them alone. "

I read that somewhere recently and decided it was pretty darn true, at least in my case. Given this weeks excitement when concerning the fairer sex, I'm more likely to just run away and save myself the trouble. My roommate was all set to hook back up with an ex of his, but only in a fuck-buddy type situation. He talked to her maybe 4 times on the phone, none of racy content. Now? She's turned into some sort of psycho stalker. She averages at least 4 calls and 3 visits a night to our workplace. This is that one woman with the three kids (one in safety helm) I wrote about sometime last month.

Makes me think that after a woman has kids, she's incapable of having any other thoughts concerning men. "OOOH HE MIGHT BE A GOOD DADDY FOR MY TRIAD OF ILLEGITIMATE BABIES!" biological post-pregnancy female thinking at its finest. A shame, she has a beautiful smile and if she could ever get over that whole 'psychotic' thing, she might be a catch (for anyone wanting a 'brady bunch situation').

to Blockbuster Video:

I understand that you tend to cater to the general public's renting needs. I understand that you must rent out loads more movies featuring a bare Will Smith's ass fighting robots than you do anything else resembling a decent movie. What I do not understand is your continuing failure to adequately stock semi-intelligent comedic fare for yours truly. It's not like I'm searching for anything rare here. Also, your employees are complete buffoons when it comes to anything except playing & talking about video games. Please fix that, and find this:

And finally, Darius Rucker? How the mighty have fallen. No longer serving as the soundtrack to countless fratboy date-rape parties, you've finally hit rock bottom without the Blowfish. Hawking out 'Cheddar Bacon Ranch' sandwiches for Burger King in full black cowboy regalia. I wouldn't have taken any notice, but my roommate decided to sing along on a break from an episode of Full House (save me). If I ever meet you, Mr. Rucker, prepare to defend yourself.

this weeks musical survey excuse for an entry.

Ultimate Music Survey:

A song whose lyrics you thought you knew in the past, but about which you later learned you were incorrect.

i can't think of any offhand. no doubt a song of sexual innuendo from my youth that i could never fully understand until i did that whole puberty thing.

Your least favorite song on one of your favorite albums of all time.

'the Hanging Garden' from the Cure's Pornography

A song you like by someone you find physically unattractive or otherwise repellent.

'Divine Hammer' - the Breeders (the deal sisters arent my idea of attractive)

Your favorite song with the name of a city in the title or text.

'El Paso' - Marty Robbins

A song (or top 4 in my case) you've listened to repeatedly when you were depressed at some point in your life.

'It's Not' - Aimee Mann

"Where I get lost in space that goes on forever.
And you make all the rest just an after thought.
And I believe it's you who could make it better.
But it's not. No it's not"

'Cold' - the Cure

"I wait
Await the next breath
Your name
Like ice into my heart
A shallow grave
A monument to the ruined age
Ice in my eyes
And eyes like ice don't move"

'Big Skies, Black Rainbows' - Verbena

"the less i warm my heart, the less it wants to mend"

'Roads' - Portishead

"How can it feel, this wrong
Storm.. in the morning light
I feel
No more can I say
Frozen to myself
I got nobody on my side
And surely that ain't right"

Ever buy an entire album just for one song and wind up disliking everything but that song? Gimme that song.

'What Do You Want From Me?' - Monaco

Your favorite song that has expletives in it that's not by Liz Phair.

'All I Want is More' - Reel Big Fish

"Someday, maybe she'll come back to me
and i'll say, 'WHY DONT YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF?'"

A song that sounds as if it's by someone British but isn't.

any silverchair song ever made.

A song you like (possibly from your past) that took you forever to finally locate a copy of.

'Barefoot in the Dark' - Deadboy & the Elephantmen

A song that reminds you of spring but doesn't mention spring at all.

'Sexxx Laws' - Beck

A song that sounds to you like being happy feels.

'Here Comes A Special Boy' - Freezepop

Your favorite song from a non-soundtrack compilation album.

'Just To Play' - Midnight Movies (you need this album)

A song from your past that would be considered politically incorrect now (and absolutely was then).

'I'll Meet You in Poland, Baby' - Foetus

A song sung by an overweight person.

'A Big Hunk of Love' - Elvis Presley

A song you actually like by an artist you otherwise hate.

'Slow Ride' - Foghat

A song by a band (whose members actually play instruments) that features three or more female members.

'Smile' - Elastica

One of the earliest songs that you can remember listening to.

'Torture' - the Jacksons (and boy was it)

A song you've been mocked by friends for liking.

'You've Got Another Thing Comin' - Judas Priest

A really good cover version you think no one else has heard.

'Such Great Heights' - Iron & Wine

A song that has helped cheer you up (or empowered you somehow) after a breakup or otherwise difficult situation.

'Kiss Off' - Violent Femmes

What was the last song you downloaded?

'Car Chase Terror' - M83

An album you love that is flawless from start to finish (in other words no song skipping necessary)?

the Streets - A Grand Don't Come for Free

The song that made you get the album in that first place?

his first album

Give me the song title which you think best describes who you actually are. Explain.

'Portrait of the Damned' - My Life with the Thrill Kill Kult

Now give me the song title which you think best describes your personality. Explain.

'Asleep at the Trigger' - Autolux

Quick – your favorite clever song lyric!

From 'They can only hurt you when you sleep' - Fig Dish

"If I saw your face, i would surely run
To the nearest far-off place"

A romantic song that is NOT cheesy & your favorite lyric from that song.

'Crazy In Love' - Kane

"I don't think that it seems really all that strange
when i'm outside doing cartwheels in the rain
if you could see her walk across a crowded room
you would understand why i go insane
the way she glistens in the moonlight
the way she outshines the stars,
brighter than any sun"

Knock knock knockin' on...

I've recently been battling a craptacular case of the crud. Christ, I actually wanted to be put out of my misery on more than one occasion. Those occasions usually coincided with one of my many trips to the watercloset. I joked elsewhere that no man should ever have to use the restroom a number equal to or greater than the number of hours said person has been awake. That was my situation over the weekend off, and I won't even get into an extremely embarassing story about having company over and praying: 'it's only a fart'. happy now?

So, spending 20 of 24 hours in bed one day. You know, there was a time once when I did the exact same thing, but for a very different reason. See, I wasnt alone then, and thank god (it would have sounded really pathetic had I been). How could sexual olympics ever be not fun? Not so much excitement this time sadly, as feeling like hammered dog shit is never fun (for the person feeling it OR the person who inevitably has to endure someone bitching about having it).

I know where it came from. At work thursday, I had a customer who didnt spare the courtesy of covering his piehole when he coughed. I nicknamed him 'Black Lung', because he obviosuly had something that could only be described as deadly. My roommate was there, he now working at my place of employment on a part-time basis, fretting over catching the black plague from yet another inbred hillbilly moron. These are my customers, and no, I do not run a whiskey distillery (though there are many a times it sounds like less than a horrible idea).

two thumbs down

i woke thurday morning in a panic. not the half-joke panic i usually exaggerate here, but a real one. i couldnt breathe.

i had eaten something spicy the night before, and my stomach just did not agree. i was halfway into a imaginary crime-spree/sex-romp when it happened. i jumped up to me knees and started coughing. bad idea. see, while i was expelling all my air in coughs, i was unable to draw new breath. some of the acid from my stomach had made its way up my throat and was making things hard. i was all clogged. not in some nasty mucus way, but in some nasty stomach acid way. i sat there on the edge of my bed, coughing and drooling heavily, the saliva from my mouth unable to go down my throat.

i was terrified. i kept clutching at my throat, and a good solid minute later i was able to choke in a little air. by the time i was able to draw breath normally ( a couple minutes later), the back of my throat was on fire, and no amount of water was helping the situation. i'd had minor problems with a little acid before, but none so bad. none had ever prevented me from breathing. and you know, i've grown partial to breathing. sure, there have been a couple of times where we didnt see eye to eye. when i almost drowned. when i got that apnea thing going. when i thought i was breathing too loudly or wheezing. we got over all of that. what happened?

i'm almost scared to go to sleep for fear of it happening again. my life did most certainly flashed before my eyes, and let me tell you. thats not a flick i want to catch again.

COCKBLOCK! / Happy Birthday Mom.

Valentines Day had always been a day of mourning for me. in years past, i would be irritable, cranky, and generally in a bad mood for most of the day. usually upset because i was single and didnt want to be. not the case this year. so for fun, i'm took another bloggers idea and searched for songs on my computer to listen to with 'love' in the title. shuffled them all up, and this is what came out (but only the first 13).

1. u2 - when love comes to town
2. the pixies - la la love you
3. mansun - love is...
4. eisley - my lovely
5. new order - bizarre love triangle
6. the stone roses - ten story love song
7. juliana hatfield - everybody loves me but you
8. bad company - feel like making love
9. far - love, american style
10. bryan adams - have you really ever loved a woman?
11. david bowie - modern love
12. failure - the nurse who loved me
13. otis redding - a woman, a lover, a friend

so what did i eventually end up doing on this loveliest of superficial commercial holidays? i worked. as bad as it sounds, it really wasnt. i still ended the day without a valentine, and whereas that sucked, i got over it and pushed on.

halfway through my day, a woman came in and started a conversation with me. and when i say woman, i mean goddess. holy crap this woman was/is beautiful, the kind of woman you'd trade ten years of your life just to be with (the ten at the end). the one or two other times i've met her, she was very sweet and kind to me, and today she seemed down. she told me that she had just ended her current relationship because her man didnt pay her enough attention, sometimes going weeks without talking to her. that poor, underappreciated woman. she looked like she had been crying a little bit, and i was more than willing to help her talk it out for her to feel better. really, its what i do and what i enjoy.

so about ten minutes into our conversation, i get some bumfuck hillbilly in need of attention. he asks me for help, and i try as subtle as i can to tell him to fuck off. i looked at him, i looked back at the woman, then i looked back to him. THIS IS MAN CODE, PEOPLE. it means 'fuck off, can't you see i'm talking to this chick?'. the mountain man didnt get it, and because technically i'm supposed to help him (though fifteen feet away, my co-worker was more than capable), i did. she left when i was busy with this inbred yocal fucktard. i spent the next couple of hours in awe, knowing that i was submarined by a half-witted mongoloid (some things never change).

and a Happy VD to you

a few days ago, at work, i think i made my co-workers wonder about me. see, i have this bad habit of doing things to entertain myself. usually at the detriment of anyone around me. no, nothing illegal like breaking out my wang and 'going to town' or anything. just silly, stupid things that usually get me strange looks.

i decided to have corn dogs for my dinner (as batter covered lips & assholes on a stick is near the perfect food). one of the sticks had broken off inside the treat, and the corn dog was suffering. i had no choice but to perform a last minute emergency 'stick-ectomy' with paperclips, some tweezers and a pocketknife. it was rough. i had no one to wipe the beading sweat from my brow, and no surgical gloves to make things at all sanitary. hopefully, there wont be an infection and the corn dog will continue to live a happy and normal life.

and speaking of meat in a tasty sheath, a co-worker of mine decided to browse the sale papers for lingerie to buy herself for valentines day. she, of course, had to show me everything she wanted to wear for her husband (tease). from there, my imagination took hold, and the next 20 minutes at work were like a bad acid trip. the only attractive woman i work with showing me underwear she wants baffles me. i'm not sure if i've wondered into the 'gay friend zone', which is a bit like entering hell, old navy, or the twilight zone (but with more mauve). i am sure, however, that it took a great deal of effort not to look at her and imagine her wearing what she'd so excitedly pointed out (and ran away to rub one out in the bathroom). why must she taunt me so...

and in other news, my noisy upstairs neighbors proved themselves even more inept at living than normal, saturday. i got a call from my roommate about it 'raining in our bathroom'. evidently the neighbors flooded something, be it bathtub or toilet, and it went through their floor. THANKS, ASSHOLES.